A Stranger In A Vessel

"Are you okay?"
"What's wrong?"
"How are you?"

     I know you mean well when you ask. It's your subtle way of showing you care,
but how do I respond? How can I respond?
     Do I admit that I am so mentally-fatigued of putting on this facade of smiles, self-assurance, and security?
     I have always admired, envied even, the skill it takes for famous actors to pull off their roles so well, but I've realized: I do the same thing every single day. I paint my confidence on my face and carry on through the day, pretending as if I can't feel the strings within me- the strings that keep my tattered heart in place- slowly snapping with each uncertain breath I inhale.
     I have so many different personalities- they are my coping mechanisms. I can hide behind the masks of these personalities and avoid facing myself- my insecurities & self-doubts. I adapt to my surroundings because I have this innate desire to please others; therefore, that results in me molding myself to fit the expectations of society. "Feed me, feed me," they scream, and what do I do? I give up my only scraps of food to their hungry, growling stomachs, and all for what? Their cheaply-bought attention? Their short-lived acceptance? Their feigned compassion?
     If everything I do is in a vain attempt to gain the approval of others, how much of me is...well, me? Is anything I think, anything I say, anything I do truly mine or is it provoked by an idea someone else planted in my brain? How will I ever know which parts of me are buried deep into my soul- my natural-born qualities- and which parts are just crafted to fit somebody else's demands?
     In this day and age, where you have to find your self-worth either by buying it or by how many followers you have on any given social media, is there such thing as self-identity-individuality- anymore?
     How can I love myself when I don't even know who I am? Forget the big question of "what's the purpose of life?" What about the question of "who am I?"
     I can't even begin to search for my purpose in life until I have found who I am searching for, and right now, I am just a stranger in my own vessel.